Falling off the Wagon/ Assorted thoughts
Oh, distractions. After a recent gaming binge and a general "stress collapse," I've pretty much let all the lines run slack. Honestly, I wonder if I belong in college some days. Probably not, but it's currently a safe place to explore myself.
I've already become inconsistent with my writing. I will remain so until finals are compelte. Let's face it, if I DO have free time, I intend to spend it escaping into video games or sleeping. Once the vacation begins, I intend to get back to it. Full force, too.
That's about all there is to say. I wish life had a rewind button. I'd like to do something crazy, but I'm not brave enough to risk everything. More correctly, I'm not foolish enough to risk everything for a change.
Or maybe that means I'm too foolish. Or that the world isn't foolish enough.
I read an inspiring interview that Pawel sent me about stand-up. Resulting fantasy: Wouldn't it be wild if Rich and I took some cash and just hit up amatuer open-mics in Boston for a couple months? Or the same scenario in New York, possibly auditioning for plays?
I'm as frustrated with my life as I am fearfully comfortable with it. It's safe. It's slow. It isn't entirely mine. I find myself questioning how much I'd honestly sacrifice to make my own way. To quit college and get a job. Could I do it? Could I do it alone?
As I said, at least I'm in a safe place to think. Too bad this place is so fucking expensive.
If I become a professor, how free can I be? I could still be a writer, but a performer? A director?
Fucking loans. As soon as I'm out of here, I'm divorcing my parents and faking my own death.
I've already become inconsistent with my writing. I will remain so until finals are compelte. Let's face it, if I DO have free time, I intend to spend it escaping into video games or sleeping. Once the vacation begins, I intend to get back to it. Full force, too.
That's about all there is to say. I wish life had a rewind button. I'd like to do something crazy, but I'm not brave enough to risk everything. More correctly, I'm not foolish enough to risk everything for a change.
Or maybe that means I'm too foolish. Or that the world isn't foolish enough.
I read an inspiring interview that Pawel sent me about stand-up. Resulting fantasy: Wouldn't it be wild if Rich and I took some cash and just hit up amatuer open-mics in Boston for a couple months? Or the same scenario in New York, possibly auditioning for plays?
I'm as frustrated with my life as I am fearfully comfortable with it. It's safe. It's slow. It isn't entirely mine. I find myself questioning how much I'd honestly sacrifice to make my own way. To quit college and get a job. Could I do it? Could I do it alone?
As I said, at least I'm in a safe place to think. Too bad this place is so fucking expensive.
If I become a professor, how free can I be? I could still be a writer, but a performer? A director?
Fucking loans. As soon as I'm out of here, I'm divorcing my parents and faking my own death.
posted by Zoopers at 10:50 PM
8 Comments:
I feel for you in more ways than you know, Tones.
I too have my doubts as to whether college is for me.
I will probably be taking a semester off at some point.
As for parents and death-faking, I'm in. I got a few corpses stashed in the back, grab your dental records, we'll hire Cait's mom as a lawyer and off we go!
Stand-up, eh? People say I've got talent, but I don't think I'm funny enough to make it out there . . . in the real world.
However, my uncles, who live in NYC, have suggested that I could come stay with them and take a trip 'round the stand-up circuits. I'd never be able to do it alone, but if you wanted to try a joint-venture, I'd be more than game.
I will hopefully get some good opportunities to talk with you once the vacation begins.
Stay strong until then, amigo.
"I think it is you who is scared, Meester Bennet, you you is afraid."
"That's roight. I am afraid. Because I'm smaht. But I got an edge. I got [Tony Celi with me.]"
"Me an' [Tony], we could take 'em all *snaps* like that!"
I would advise against taking a semester off, mon ami. It's my observation that it's incredibly difficult to go back once you've left. Most people don't, and that adds up to no degree and some a-hefty loans.
As far as the weird fantasy trip goes, it would be downright scary alone, but probably pretty fun together.
Hmm . . .
As far as the semester off goes, you might be right, about the average student.
However, one must keep in mind that I already had an involuntary "free" semester while everyone else was beginning his freshman year.
Also, I have no loans.
Oh, very true. I meant it's harder to take off a semester once you've started. Starting a semester or even a year late isn't all that uncommon.
Anyway, I had a random daydream about Superman fighting the Hulk. Lex Luthor dropped a kryptonite nuke on the both of them, but the Hulk proceeded to absorb the radiation and eat Supes before stepping on Lex and running wild in the DCU. He is ultimately stopped by Batman, with Iron Man's help. Green Lantern was busy going toe-to-toe with the Silver Surfer.
Continuing this rant, I would like to note that kryptonite makes no fucking sense. If Supes is simply empowered by the yellow sun, why would chunks of his OWN PLANET hurt him? He seemed to have no problem living on it before. Is it ALSO connected to the sun? Why is it radioactive? Why is it green?
Furthermoreover, I still hate Superman. I wish the Hulk would eat him. I intend to draw it.
You're older than you've lived, Elf-friend. You're quite handy for putting things in perspective, whether you realize it or not.
Thanks for pointing out the typo. I won't bother fixing it, and I'm not surprised it exists. The post was written quickly, when I was very tired.
But my general writing is slipping. It is a muscle I have not so much as flexed as of late. Finals will fry your brain like that. I'm still very much on the upswing of my career, so rest easy.
Part of my confusion lies with my ambitions. I am, at my core, a writer. But I am more than a writer. I am an actor. I enjoy film. I could direct. I could perform. I could be a comedian. Writing itself is so general that I'm lost. Will I be a novelist? A playwright? A comic book writer? A film writer? Can I be many or all?
I want to do it all, but life isn't about to wait on me while I explore. That is the tragic state of safety found in college. Trading freedom for security, I'll have to survive to live. Will I be able to afford seeking everything? "He who chases two hares shall acquire neither." Whatever I end up doing, so help me God, I WILL be the best at it.
I fear mediocrity. I FEAR complacency. Christ's mercy, I fear stability and repetition. I can only live in chaos, in provocation, in disturbance. I was born to unnerve.
And my current plan is to become an English professor. A safe, and very open position that would allow me to chase other passions freely. I could be a writer EASILY. But I fear the very notion of being tied down.
Ideally, I'd live doing only those things I love. There's nothing wrong with the safety net I'm building (and at what college costs my family, I'd damn well build it), but what if I become comfortable in my net? Don't all people start with big dreams? How many have been deferred?
THAT is what I FEAR. I am AFRAID.
As early as age 10, I have possesed a perverse sense of my own mortality. With such a short life, and so much I NEED to do, I can't afford to be on the wrong path. Not now or ever.
Obsessed and possesed, I'm always out of time.
On a side-note, I checked my post. I found no typos, but one comma that should have been a semi-colon. Point it out if you insist it's there.
On another side-note, I never proofread anything. Nyah.
Ah, it's a spelling error, then. Yeah, it happens.
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