Empty Nocturnal
Dreams bother me. To be more specific, my inability to dream bothers me. Of course, I'm told that I do dream and simply can't remember. As though that had any meaning whatsoever. A dream is an experience. If I can't experience it, I'm not dreaming, am I?
If I have ever been truly jealous of something, it is the ability of my friends to dream. In ten years at least, I have only one vivid recollection of a dream: a nightmare in which my Memee is standing on the top of the stairs in my house. I run over to her and watch her fall before I can get there, missing her with my hand as I try to grab her. I had the dream once, after she died, and that was it. My dream. All I have. I've had the last parts of a couple nightmares, too. Just the part at the end where I hit the ground, get stabbed, or similarly die. Nothing recent, though.
I really feel like I'm missing out on something big, and it bothers me more than you may imagine.
At the suggestion of a friend, I tried spending the first moments of every morning recollecting things that happened in my dreams. I was supposed to keep a log, but there was nothing to write. I remembered vague details from a couple dreams, but no real images. I was really excited anyway.
I gave up, but I'll probably try again.
Supposedly, the inability to dream or recall dreams is common among the criminally insane. Glee. At least I know from my "journaling" that there is something there; I just can't remember it. I can't see it.
"Maybe my perceptions are just so vivid and imaginative in my waking life, I don't need to dream." That's was suggested to me once, and it's a thought I pull out to amuse myself on occaision. Nothing cures frustration like ego. Thank God mine weighs several tons and likes to destroy Tokyo for fun and profit.
Oddly, I seem to appear in the dreams of several of my friends. Often. Not the same person repeatedly, but I appear a lot in someone's head. They tell me about it, and I can't help but wish I had people in my dreams. I wish I could dream.
My head is in the clouds enough during the day, I know. I live deep in fantasy and I make an art of escapism. Still, I feel robbed at night. For all the sleeping I do, I feel robbed every time. I would do anything for a significant experience. Images. Something besides black.
I would even settle for a cheap, lewd, wet dream. Mess or not.
I feel that I don't have the luxury of true sleep. Every night, I die. Completely and totally. Every morning I'm born again; I'm fresh, new, and with nothing to connect the night with the day. No memory. No experience.
I have deja vu several times every week, without fail. Just what in the hell is going on here?
In dreams we are free; it is a reality for us, by us. It is another life, steeped solely in perception, existing only for us. Did I all ready die in that life?
My soul must be twisted. No surprise there.
No time for sleep anyway. The corpses are piling up too fast.
If I have ever been truly jealous of something, it is the ability of my friends to dream. In ten years at least, I have only one vivid recollection of a dream: a nightmare in which my Memee is standing on the top of the stairs in my house. I run over to her and watch her fall before I can get there, missing her with my hand as I try to grab her. I had the dream once, after she died, and that was it. My dream. All I have. I've had the last parts of a couple nightmares, too. Just the part at the end where I hit the ground, get stabbed, or similarly die. Nothing recent, though.
I really feel like I'm missing out on something big, and it bothers me more than you may imagine.
At the suggestion of a friend, I tried spending the first moments of every morning recollecting things that happened in my dreams. I was supposed to keep a log, but there was nothing to write. I remembered vague details from a couple dreams, but no real images. I was really excited anyway.
I gave up, but I'll probably try again.
Supposedly, the inability to dream or recall dreams is common among the criminally insane. Glee. At least I know from my "journaling" that there is something there; I just can't remember it. I can't see it.
"Maybe my perceptions are just so vivid and imaginative in my waking life, I don't need to dream." That's was suggested to me once, and it's a thought I pull out to amuse myself on occaision. Nothing cures frustration like ego. Thank God mine weighs several tons and likes to destroy Tokyo for fun and profit.
Oddly, I seem to appear in the dreams of several of my friends. Often. Not the same person repeatedly, but I appear a lot in someone's head. They tell me about it, and I can't help but wish I had people in my dreams. I wish I could dream.
My head is in the clouds enough during the day, I know. I live deep in fantasy and I make an art of escapism. Still, I feel robbed at night. For all the sleeping I do, I feel robbed every time. I would do anything for a significant experience. Images. Something besides black.
I would even settle for a cheap, lewd, wet dream. Mess or not.
I feel that I don't have the luxury of true sleep. Every night, I die. Completely and totally. Every morning I'm born again; I'm fresh, new, and with nothing to connect the night with the day. No memory. No experience.
I have deja vu several times every week, without fail. Just what in the hell is going on here?
In dreams we are free; it is a reality for us, by us. It is another life, steeped solely in perception, existing only for us. Did I all ready die in that life?
My soul must be twisted. No surprise there.
No time for sleep anyway. The corpses are piling up too fast.
posted by Zoopers at 1:00 AM
4 Comments:
Dreams are overrated.
I don't want this to sound like one of those feel-good coming of age comedies, in which a guy yearns for something, only to figure out that he was better off the way he was, but I don't usually have good experiences in dreams.
We can't control them, except, as you said, with our sub-conscious mind. Do you know how messed up my sub-conscious mind is? That's why many of my dreams are paranoid, but boring, nightmares. (Steve popped up in another one, by the way.)
Though, upon further thought, I could see how you'd wanna experience one so badly. Some of my dreams- a rare few -have been that "happy when you wake up" dream. Of course, then you realize it was a dream, and are sad again.
I really can't see an upside to these.
Still, I see your point. I feel your pain.
Maybe you should try mysticism and hollistic medicine. Even as placebos they might work, if they get your mind to open up whatever part of it dreams.
I'll look into that for you.
Dreams are a part of the human experience. I want to help you have some, however frustrating or messy they may be.
Okay.
Oh! Maybe you can't dream because your mind is protecting you from bad dreams, like the one of your grandmother. Repressed dreams . . .
Kooky.
And, if you really feel dejected, just think of what Marvin would say:
"Dreams? I bet you think an android can't dream. I have feelings you know. Most of them involve suicide and the bleakness of life, but I have them. Not that you'd care to ask. What? Oh alright. I open the air lock . . ."
Don't wish to recall dreams. I dream, and dream of Sheppard, and dream of fear, and dream of lies. And when you awake from a dream where you were happy? To a cold November morning, when you have to crawl out of bed and go and waste time of your short life doing things you don't like with morons? That hurts more then missing something.
There is, I've heard, another thing. You do recall the dreams. But you don't actively recall them. You can't recall them immediately, but sometimes later, maybe a few hours, or a day or a week, you usually can remember more and more. The more you try to think about it, the harder to find it it becomes.
Lastly, who says you only dream at nights? I find your dreams are much greater then most of us find in your subconcious or even our waking mind. You don't have to close your eyes to dream, you simply do it, out of nature. So I think you are in (not to make you sound like a crackpot ><) a sort of perma-dream. And that's much more beautiful then any of us achieve just when the sun goes down.
♥
Oh!
Two additionals:
1) You should read some Clive Barker, you'll like him
2) I like the title of this post
Hi Zeon love your blog. I came across it while looking for dream dictionary. I know Empty Nocturnal is not an exact match but thanks for the read. I'll get on with my search for dream dictionary stuff and will visit again sometime. Take Care
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